I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
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Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
I feel like I should give my air conditioner a plaque for employee of the month.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
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Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Damn I just accidentally punched myself in the face while removing a bralette! That will teach me
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What