Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
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NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
Moms don’t go on vacation, we just cook and clean in a different house for a week.
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Me: I think we need to break up
Her: Now is not a good time
Me: Okay
*we ride the rollercoaster in silence*
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.
me: hey what’s your ring size
her: omg why
me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line