Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
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My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
I’m being attacked 😭
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
Who’s ready for Friday?!
Good morning.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.