Monica just destroyed the internet
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Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
All the good ones are taken.
All the funny ones are fat.
All the smart ones are ugly.All the ones with all of the above are fictional.
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
[closes book, slowly removes glasses, and thoughtfully cleans them with a small cloth] I honestly don’t think Waldo is in there
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
My daughter informed me in another life she would have been a courtesan or a serial killer…
I asked why not both? And she replied, good point…
…a woman shouldn’t have to give up her hobby for her career.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
The doctor looked sad when he came into the exam room but he cheered up when he saw my “live fast, die young” tattoo so I’m excited to hear what he has to say
handsome & gretel
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Not recommended for beginners.
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not