10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
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I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.