debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
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Friends with kids: what’s the matter with you, why don’t you have kids yet
Also them: kill me my life is a bottomless pit of despair
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?
Me: Getting into my sports bra.
i’m really good at reading people’s true feelings from their words. for example, my wife said “i love how you’ll just leave the dirty dishes in the sink and wait for me to do them,” but i was able to determine that she does not, in fact, love that
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
one of
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.