What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
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Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
So a coffee break is when you stop drinking coffee for a minute, right?
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
Waiter, Waiter, will my pizza be long?
No sir, it will be round.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.