medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
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I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
[restaurant]
WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?
TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
Finally a use for spoilers…
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
5 yo: Mommy, did you eat my donut?
Me: No
Husband: Why does he think you would eat his donut?
Me: Because he’s met me
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.