I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
You Might Also Like
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
“Interested in mail enhancement?”
Me: u mean ‘male’ enhancement
“No. [whispering] what if I told u I could get ur mail like so fast bro”
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Inspirational Quote Of The Day..
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
If you enjoy “naked and afraid”, check the the streaming of my new hit show: barefoot and mildly annoyed
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
yeah I’m a CEO
Constantly
Eating
Oreos
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.
M: Join the club.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat