*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
You Might Also Like
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
There are no atheists in parking lots where you’ve dropped your phone face down on the asphalt.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Filled out so many forms at the x-ray clinic and now I’m afraid I might have applied to work here.
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
[spelling bee]
“Your word is stupid”
ME: Well give me a different one then
“No, that’s your word…stupid”
ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy