When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
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me: what are you going to be when you grow up?
5: beautiful.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
My phone should just know if the passcode is entered incorrectly the first 3 times then it’s definitely me.
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
Um … Hot Wings please
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
When Wall-E first came out I was like “‘what a profound statement” and now, a few years older, I’m like “gimme one of those sick chairs.”
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
incredible book dedication
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet