Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
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Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.