{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
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My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
My favorite part of having a German shepherd has to be when folks meet her, and she sniffs their pockets, I can say stuff like: ‘I hope you don’t have any drugs on you…’ and watch the fear in their eyes while they try to remember the last time they had drugs in their pockets.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
“Can someone call me a doctor?!”
You’re a doctor.
“Please I’m losing my patience!”
You’re a terrible doctor.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”