Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
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I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
pat pat
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
What made this morning’s trip to the bathroom interesting is that I don’t actually own a cat.
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.