what the hell pray for carter everyone
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Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: are u carrying any drugs
ME: [a mousetrap is in my pocket] i don’t remember but i do consent to a search
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
I used to tell a joke about Lot’s wife. Looking back, it wasn’t a great idea.