How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
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My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
I’m very productive, just not at the things I actually need to do
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob