“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
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“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
After 2020 I’m never going to question why they keep opening up Jurassic Park despite obvious safety issues.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Therapist: You’ve created a backstory for your cat?
Me: It’s Miss Meowerton.
T:
Me: Of the Virginia Meowertons?
Ancestors came over on the Meowflower. Landed at Plymeowth Rock…Therapist: I’m writing you a prescription.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
I am a Mother hear me roar…..especially when my kids decide to make a kite out of my granny panties and fly it down the street.
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.