Me: I’m so emotional today
8 ice cream sandwiches: We can help!
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in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
My testicles are in The Guinness Book of Records. Got a few minutes before the librarian sees me.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of