12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
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No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
My 7yo: Mom, were you alive in the one-thousands?
Me: What?
7yo: The ONE-THOUSANDS
Me: *dawning realization* Yes…..yes I was born in the one-thousands. In the 1980’s.
7yo: WHOA 🤯
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..
aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Apparently I have a few “tells” when I’m angry.
But I light things on fire when I’m happy too so don’t pretend you know me.
Air Bud’s owner: There’s no rule in the book that says a dog can’t be on the court.
Chief Justice Roberts: *sigh* We’ll need his measurements for the robe.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless