Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
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me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Dad: Are you hungry?
Me: Yeah!!! I could eat a horse right now!
Dad: I was asking the dog.
Me:
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.