Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
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Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
When I eat nachos, I like leave one last chip alive so he can tell the story.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Doctor: I have bad news
Me: oh no
Doctor: I just lost a ton gambling
Me: whew, I thought I was dying-
Doctor: I bet you weren’t dying
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
If you don’t charge your Fitbit, it can’t express disappointment in you.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
waiter: would u like the bill?
me: no I would not
I wish I were a Jedi.
I don’t want to use the Force or anything.
I just want to hang out in my bathrobe all day.
#oldknees
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.