As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
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My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time