Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
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ME: You have a beautiful home.
HER: I’m a bartender. You’re at a bar.
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
And on the eighth day, God let the dogs out. And there was much confusion among the Baha Men.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
[being haunted by the spirit of the man who invented the gif]
*extremely spooky voice* oooo I’m a jhost! Yes, it’s pronounced “jhost”
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
me: my friends:
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages