playing too much GTA. starting to see traffic as “options.”
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[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Dear messed-up memory, please tell me where are my keys instead of reminding me that shit I did on May 08, 2002 at 09;13;54 PM.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Jupiter
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Finally, a door that understands me