My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
You Might Also Like
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
78 just saw the ring light in my bedroom.
I told him that it’s for the plants.
Oh, he said, and went on his way.
There are no plants in my room.
All I want for Valentine’s day is a good night out with my boyfriend
My husband says I’ve got to go out with him! Rude
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.