All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
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Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn’t care…..
Ceiling fan: 6
Me: 0
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
My husband and I never take anything for granted. Which is why, after 30 years, I still consider him a flight risk.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
I’m giving dirty looks to this dad at the cafe whose kid is being obnoxious but he’s not doing anything about it so I guess I’m going to have to deal with it because he’s my kid too or whatever.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”