[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
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Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.I bought it in 2007.
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas