Thoughts
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I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
When I grow up, I want to be 16
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Wife: Are you crying in there?
Me crying: NO!
W: have you been eating cheese again? *opens door*
Me with mousetrap stuck to lips: NO
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Just a friendly reminder!
