Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
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[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
Me- “Sorry I can’t”
Friend- “Why not?”
M- “Working on my book”
F- “Neato! What about?”
M- “It’s a collection of ways to escape obligations”
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let’s run through the suspects.
PARTNER: Okay.
DETECTIVE: Who’s the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Dolly Parton wrote “Jolene” and “I Will Always Love You” on the same day and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
What is your favorite movie about juice from a beetle?
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.