A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
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I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
Absolutely delighted to welcome Neville as our new Head of Anti Terrorism today! Nothing gets past Nev.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.