Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
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King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
if you’re a young person, ask a middle-aged man what music they listened to in the 90s. let them talk for 30 mins. act interested and say “oh wow no way that’s so cool.” after that you can ask them for any favor
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Mom: we looked at tons of baby names-
Shakespeare: What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet
Mom: we picked Bertha
Shakespere: oh god ew
There are two sides to every story and I’m usually wrong in both.
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
bewitching sea ghost seeks unwary sailor for fulfillment of ancient curse, maybe more
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
Ever noticed how you used to be embarrassed by things you did or that happen to you, but now your first thought is “I can tweet that”
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…