My Fitbit mistook my panic attack for high intensity interval training.
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BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
4: Let’s go to back Target, we can get the Pokémon stuff
Me: But you don’t have any more money
4: That’s okay, we can use your money
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, don’t forget to take a moment and appreciate the statistical improbability of it all.
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look**hours later*
Me: oh SHIT
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”