My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
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Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
Oh my god
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today
Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass