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There is wisdom there.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
I can count the number of times I’ve made my own fireworks on one hand. In fact, I have to.
greetings!
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
Interviewer: *looking at my resume* says here you’re an “aspiring side piece”?
Me: that’s my 5 year plan, within 10 years I hope to be murdered in a jealous rage. You know, before the air quality gets too too bad…
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.