No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
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The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
My doctor says I shouldn’t get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn’t suggested who should do it for me.
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?