that earthquake in LA was actually a huge crowd of white girls rushing into a wal-mart to buy a green t-shirt last minute
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[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
The prophecy is fulfilled
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim