I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
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[ first day in retail]
me: can i help you find something
customer: im just window shopping
me: we don’t sell those
If you live in an apartment and it’s raining and you forgot to buy groceries, you should be allowed to trick-or-treat
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
work smarter, not harder
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles