Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
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mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Just know that if I go up to the hand sanitizer machine and it doesn’t dispense anything, I’m still running my hands together. 🙏🏼
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*