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Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
“Murder most fowl!” I scream as the cops pull me away from the many duck corpses. They explain I misunderstood Hamlet while arresting me.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
The casinos are closed, so get your gambling fix by ordering groceries online.
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Convince neighbours you’re shrinking by walking past their window with progressively larger jars of hellmann’s mayonnaise.
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
I could probably be lured into a white van with no windows with guacamole.
…or queso.
…or salsa.
…or dill pickles.
…or Jeff Goldblum.
…or, hell, any kind of cheese at all.
I ain’t picky.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!