Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
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Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Go to a doctor?
When there’s all this free advice on the internet?
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*