Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
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Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
American Bulldog: Bark!
German Shepard: Ba<hocks loogie>rk!
Boston Terrier: fahken bahk!
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
[at the bar]
Her: My break up has been so hard…nothing could possibly hurt as much as this!
Sticks A Knife In People Steve: Lol
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee
drive-thru person: how many coffees?
me: one please
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?