I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
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Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here, please don’t be laundry in here…
-me opening the dryer
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
“where do you see yourself in-“
i’m just tryna make it through the day bro
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
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M:
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D:
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D: tobacco
Me: No.
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes