15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
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ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
Me: OMG! Everyone is dead!
Instructor: For the last time, you are late and it’s a yoga class.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.