A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
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Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
It’s so weird to call it the “mall”. In Scotland we are very creative, we call one store a “shop” and many stores “the shops”.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
who did the taste test?
People who don’t use contractions scare the shit out of me. “I will be there” okay with what a machete
Well, this certainly took a turn
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
[at the gym]
wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?
*shredded wheat walks by*
wheat: SONOFA
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk