A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
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I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Current mood: Potato
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
My love language is hissing.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
A passenger is at the airport at 6AM in a pressed suit and said “good morning!”
Excuse me, sir, that is not the vibe here. The rest of us have agreed to be sullen and wear the closest thing to pajamas you can legally leave the house in.
Go back and try again.
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.