Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
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How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Do zombies go to heaven when they die?
I hope so.
There’s lots of nice people up there to eat.
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
I saw this post on Tumblr awhile ago and I liked the visual so much I had to draw it
🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀🐀
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
I just stopped by to water my horse.
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist