A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
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11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.
Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Art teacher: you were supposed to paint a tree
Rorschach: I did
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
40yo introduced himself at a gathering as a painter and watched an art bro wax poetic to him about creating & the need to live in the city to feed off the energy for art before he asked whether the 40yo did abstract or realism & the confused 40yo clarified he paints apartments
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
[Stranded after plane crash]
ME: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstGUY: But why, pacifically?
ME: Ok I’ve made my choice
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Girl, are you Chernobyl? Because you warm me to the core and leave me glowing. Also I think you’ve killed some people.
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat