[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
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My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.
If life was fair, salad would cause weight gain, and we’d have to eat a lot of chocolate to lose it all back.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
Cannot stress enough that Saint Valentine was also the patron saint of bees so even if you’re single you have plenty to celebrate today
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
The glockness monster
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.