Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
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“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
I can’t be the only one 😂
I’m so out of shape, I can’t even run away from my insecurities.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
*shaking my boyfriend awake* babe. babe. what was the best thing BEFORE sliced bread.
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
found this cool rock hiking today
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??
I thought my coworker said they worked for the FBI and even though I know it wasn’t actually FBI it still is in my head and I’m rethinking every conversation I’ve ever had with them and am awaiting my arrest for crimes I have not committed