My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
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I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
Robin: “Let me drive the Batmobile!”
Batman: “Never. I’d rather let Superman.”
*wall breaks down*
Superman: “OMG really??”
Batman: “No.”
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat
“Most people on Twitter don’t send tweets like this” most people on Twitter are cowards
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth